Seeing as how I am not planning on having a child any time soon I cannot back up the title of my blog, but I will try to explain to you as best as I can the experience I had a few days ago with my first Thai massage.
Thailand is known for their type of massage. It is not your ordinary massage because the masseuse doesn’t just “rub your back” but literally picks up parts of your body and moves them around. It’s supposed to be an all-over body massage and feel amazing. Presently, I beg to differ.
Brit and I were walking to the spa where we would get our $15 two-hour massages and I was already nervous. I didn’t know what to expect, how to act or what I was getting myself into. Right before we got there I made sure to ask what to do about everything, especially regarding clothing. She said not to worry about anything and that they give you a cute outfit to change into. She liked them so much that she even purchased a set of her own. I was feeling good.
We walked into the very clean spa where they offered us ice-cold water (a delicacy at times here) and a fresh pair of sandals. Love it. We walked upstairs and waited for our masseuses. The first Thai woman, Gnam, who clearly spoke no English, came and I followed her into a room, Brit followed a second woman. Gnam handed me my outfit and then left the room. First, the pair of pants. I honestly could fit one and a half of me into one pant leg. There was also some sort of tie somewhere on the waistband, but I couldn’t tell what was the front or the back. Already freaking out. I put the pants on, tried to fasten them with the tie/belt in some way or another, put on my smock shirt and Gnam came back in. With the look I got from her I knew that was not how I was supposed to be wearing the pants. I said to a woman who doesn’t speak English, “I have no idea what to do with these,” and then she left. Awesome. I meekly called to Brit in the next room, “how the hell do you wear these pants?” She came over with her masseuse and they both laughed real hard. Apparently I was given a really big pair of pants and Gnam was getting me another pair. Once appropriately dressed, I laid on my back, put my lavender-scented eye pillow on and began to relax.
That is, until Gnam touched me. The first thing that Gnam decided to do was kill any sensory nerve that I had in my calf muscle. This was no gentle massage, this was an all out war against my body and wow, Gnam was off to a great start. She put every bit of weight and muscle into kneading my left leg. Muscles I didn’t even know I had, she found, and made them wish she never found them. I could honestly not believe that (A) this could feel like that (B) some people enjoyed it and (C) this little Thai woman could inflict so much pain. She moved inch by inch up my whole leg. After about 10 minutes I was in a complete cold sweat trying not to scream and cry at the same time. And let me tell you, Gnam knows what she’s doing. There were some parts in my leg that were fine with her type of massage but the parts that hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt, she would go back to 3 or 4 times. She was relentless. When she finally stopped her kneading she picked up my leg and moved it into positions that I’m pretty sure a leg should not be put in. I will leave it at that. Her finishing touch was to go up to my thigh/pelvis area and just put all of her might into pushing down on one area. After about 5 seconds I realized she was stopping the blood flow to my leg. That’s right folks, for 30 or so seconds she just stopped my leg from living. When she released I could feel all of the blood flow back and my leg feel hot and tingly…it was weird. Finally after what felt like an hour (but was actually about 25 minutes) she put the blanket back on my leg and then I realized—that was only my LEFT leg!
She repeated the same ordeal on my right leg and both my arms. Pure pain. I wish I could describe adequately to you how horrible it felt. I flipped over and it was time for my back. Gnam decided to revisit the backs of my legs first, as if they hadn’t been through enough. Then she pretty much destroyed my spine. All I could think about was life in a wheel chair with no feeling in my entire body because I had a Thai-massage-gone-wrong. Every once in awhile I would make a small noise of discomfort otherwise I just bit my tongue. She got every knot and sensory nerve right out of my back and neck.
After a whole lot of kneading and putting me in different positions came what I like to call, “forced torture yoga.” This was when Gnam decided to put my in yoga positions that I should never attempt. She had her whole body moving mine into severely uncomfortable contortions. I think the worst part was that I could hear Brittany in the next room saying, “thank you” and “that feels great.” I could just picture her over there positioned like a pretzel and loving every minute of it. Every once in awhile I would have to let out a little laugh because I was the weirdest positions, practically wrestling with this small Thai woman. At one point I swear to God I was giving her an airplane ride. One of my favorites was when I was on my stomach, she sat on my legs, grabbed my arms and pulled my back/head so my body was in a perpendicular position. It is not legal, I swear.
At one point she said something to me in Thai and left the room. Great. Brit popped her head over and told me that she was going, like Brittany’s masseuse, to wash her hands and then give me a head massage. That was the one pleasant part of the massage. After the head massage I thought she was done. I guess I didn’t know Gnam as well as I thought I did. She wrapped her body around mine, jerked my body to the side, and cracked my back like it has never been cracked before. Then we were done. Two hours. Definitely not for the weak of heart.
She left the room, I changed back into clothes that fit me, and we went downstairs and had ginger tea. Brit kept praising her masseuse Pat so I kept telling Gnam how great it was too. As soon as we walked out of the spa I could finally breathe.
Today, two days after the massage, my muscles hurt and I have a few bruises. I’ve been told that I may have had a particularly “rough” masseuse and that they’re all not like that. It was a very interesting experience and I’m sure I’ll try it again, with someone else, before I leave. However, as for right now I am just thankful that body parts I was mentally saying goodbyes to during my massage still work.
2 comments:
hilarious.
I just had my first Thai massage yesterday and I feel exactly the same! I should have seen the videos on youtube before and not after receiving it - a pure torture. I've made some research while struggling with a back pain, that if Thai massage is done properly it should not hurt afterwards.
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